Untitled
by rosecoloredglaz21
Summary: I'm not quite sure where this one is going to go, but I had to write it down. Amanda is having a hard time dealing with recent trauma, and Olivia has no choice but to help her, even if Amanda won't accept it.
1. No One Can Know

She sat still at her desk, desperately trying to catch her breath, all while trying to keep attention off of her. If someone noticed, then Olivia would notice. Olivia could not know. They all had to think she was doing better, and in some ways she was. In others however, she was failing miserably. Her job was on the line, if Olivia thought she was slipping back again, she'd put her on leave again, and her sanity couldn't handle that. The long hours, all alone in her apartment, afraid to leave because only God knows what might happen, going between staring at the ceiling and the bottle of whiskey on her kitchen counter all made for an almost certainly catastrophic situation.

"Yo, Manda? You good?" Fin asked from his desk. He was staring at her.

"What?" she asked, trying to maintain at least a tiny amount of decorum.

"You've been staring at that report for five straight minutes and haven't written a thing. What's going on?" thankfully he kept his voice in a hushed tone so none of the other detectives could hear. "Do you need to go home?"

"No!" she panicked. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no I don't need to go home. I'm fine okay? Just a little tired I guess." She lowered her voice once again when heads turned in her direction. "Look," she sighed. "I am fine. There is nothing going on, I haven't been sleeping very well, I think because of the medication, but I'm okay. I have an appointment in a couple days to get it changed." She tried her best to convince him that she was okay, but it seemed she was failing. He stared at her a moment longer.

"You don't look well Amanda."

"Gee thanks Fin, you know you don't look so..." She tried to sound snarky like she usually did, but found she couldn't breathe. The room started to spin, and even though she knew what was happening, that knowledge did nothing to assuage her fear.

"F-fin.."

When she opened her eyes again she found herself staring at the ceiling of Olivia's office. She looked around when she heard the Lieutenant's voice, but saw she wasn't actually in her office, but standing just outside the doorway talking to Fin.

Shit, Olivia knows. She had to have been extremely naïve or extremely stupid to think she wouldn't find out, the latter seemed more likely. Hope could be a very stupid thing. She squeezed her eyes tight.

"Damnit." She mumbled.

"Hey, you're awake." Olivia stated as she stepped into the office, walking towards the sofa on which Amanda lay, embarrassment seeping from her pores. "It looks like you passed out. Why didn't you tell me you were still having these panic attacks?" she asked, sitting on the edge of the sofa.

Amanda didn't answer right away, she was having a difficult time controlling her emotions. "Oh I don't know Liv. Maybe because when I came back to work you told me to let you know if I was having a hard time, and you'd give me some time off. I don't need time off, I don't want time off, Liv. I'm fine, okay."

"Amanda, I need you to relax. I haven't decided to give you time off just yet, but we do need to have a conversation about whether or not you're ready to go back into the field at the very least." Olivia said, keeping her voice calm as to help Amanda remain calm, she could see her anxiety ratcheting up once again.

"Come on Liv-"

"No, listen to me. You had such a severe panic attack that you passed out and all you were doing was editing a report. Now, you've only just returned to work this week, you're still looking desk duty. Right now, all I'm saying is that we extend that for a few more weeks. It's not permanent Amanda." She wasn't with as much compassion as she could muster to cover the intense concern she was feeling.

Amanda was an extremely dedicated detective, she had more compassion for the victims than she knew what to do with. Olivia admired her drive, but it terrified her because she saw a part of herself in Amanda. She knew what kind of problems her own stubbornness had caused her and she didn't want that for Amanda. It was too late however to stop the things that had already happened, and allot had already happened- it broke her heart knowing the agony Amanda had endured.

"Liv, I swear I'm okay. I had a panic attack, that's it, they don't happen like that very often. Please don't extend my desk duty, please. I need to be working, I need to be out in the field." She stood up from the couch and leveled with Olivia, her anxiety was turning to full blown fear. "You're the one who told me that after an assault it's completely normal to have anxiety and all of that for God knows how long. You said it's different for everyone. Well this is how mine is, but I'm dealing with it this time. I'm actually dealing with it. It's not like it was with Patton okay?"

"Amanda, I'm glad you're dealing with it, I really am. And I'm willing to help you and be there for you every step of the way, I just think you need more time to get back on your feet. You know just as well as I do how PTSD can effect you if the field, it's high pressure, you never know what's going to happen or when it's going to happen, and you don't know what might trigger you or how you'll react to a trigger. It's dangerous to have you in the field right now, I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth and you can't deny it." Olivia said with finality and compassion. She did know how Amanda was feeling, but she didn't want her to repeat her own mistakes. She didn't want Amanda to find herself holding a gun to the back of someone's head ready to pull the trigger with no thought other than fear, she had already been there.

"What's the use of me working my ass off to stay sober if all I'm going to get out of it is desk duty? I've been going to meetings every day, sometimes twice, and I'm staying sober. What do you want from me?" Amanda pleaded for Olivia to tell her what to do.

"This has nothing to do with your sobriety, it has everything to do with your mental state. I'm worried about you Amanda, we all are and we just want to see you be okay, the way you were. Do you know how long it's been since you've argued with me about a case? I honestly couldn't tell you how long." Olivia realized she missed the fiery side Amanda used to show to her so often when she felt strongly about something. She missed the way Amanda used to be.

"Yeah, well, that part of me is gone. I'm never going to be the same Liv, and the only way I can even get close to that person is if I continue to work. I can't go back on leave, I can't go on desk duty for however long it takes for me to be normal again. I'm sorry to disappoint you once again but I can't be who you think I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry." With that last statement, Amanda walked out of Olivia's office and to her desk to retrieve her things, ignoring Olivia as she called out for her, she ignored Fin as she asked if she was alright and where she was going, she ignored Carisi's confused stare. Where she was going, she had no clue, all she knew is she needed a drink.


	2. A Much Needed Drink

Olivia wanted to crawl out of her skin knowing Amanda had shut her phone off and they had no clue where she might have gone. She sat in her office, willing her phone to ring with Amanda's voice on the other line, she couldn't bear to think she was scared and upset and out in a city that did no one any good.

"Fin! Have you got anything? It's been over an hour. No one has heard from her yet?" Olivia asked, hollering into the squad room where Fin and the rest of the team had been working on finding Amanda.

"I'm sorry Liv, her phone is still off. My offer to check a few places I know she goes still stands."

"No, no I want you to stay here, I'll go. I can't sit here waiting anymore." Olivia walked back to her desk to gather a few belongings; keys, phone, coat. "I'll let you know if I find anything."

"Liv wait."

"What is it?" she stopped mid stride.

"Her phone just came back online."

Twenty minutes of driving through evening Manhattan traffic, Olivia finally arrived at the bar where Amanda's phone was pinging. Admittedly, she was nervous. Just a couple of hours ago Amanda was yelling at her in her office, storming out and ignoring anyone who tried to talk to her. She was afraid of what version of Amanda she would find inside the bar.

It didn't take long to spot the blonde woman sitting at a booth in the corner, head bowed, hair blocking the view to get face, but Olivia was almost certain there were tears. She could recognize the defeat in Amanda that she once felt.

As she approached the booth, Amanda didn't look up, didn't acknowledge Olivia, didn't move at all, so slowly, Olivia slid into the seat next to her. There was a glass of whiskey spring in front of Amanda, the ice was melted, and it looked to be untouched. Amanda's hands rested on the table in fists so tight her knuckles we're white and there was blood seeping onto the table from the force her nails were dug into her palms.

"Amanda? Sweetie?" Olivia attempted to get her attention without touching her for fear she might have a negative reaction, but her soft words weren't putting a crack in Amanda's armor. "Amanda? Amanda, I need you to unclench your hands sweetie. Look at me. Amanda, look at me." After a long moment Amanda turned slowly and locked eyes with Olivia, but she didn't say a word and she didn't unclench her hands. "I know you're angry, and upset, and probably afraid but right now you're safe. I'm here, and you're safe. I need you to unclench your hands for me Amanda."

With a slow nod, Amanda slowly released the pressure on her palms, allowing more blood to flow freely. Olivia reached over and grabbed napkins and firmly pressed them into Amanda's palms, doing her best to slow the bleeding.

As she pressed the napkins to Amanda's palms, she couldn't help but realize how shady of a place she found herself in. In her hurry to get to Amanda she had missed all the looks and unsavory people she had passed on her way to the booth.

"Amanda, I'm not trying to hurry you or anything, you don't need to say anything, but I think it would be a good idea if we went somewhere else." She knew this was out of character for herself, she felt as if she was rushing, but she didn't feel comfortable in this hole in the wall bar full of people who all seemed to be able to smell the cop on her. By the looks they we're giving, they had worn out their welcome the moment she walked through the door. Amanda simply nodded and stood from her seat and followed Olivia out of the booth. With her hand resting on the blondes lower back, Olivia led the two of them from the bar and to get car across the street. It was raining, actually pouring as if there was a faucet right about them.

After pulling into traffic, Olivia turned and looked at Amanda sitting next to her who was looking down at the blood soaked napkins in her hands, no longer doing any good to stop the blood from dripping. The rain had soaked through both of their clothes, though Amanda seemed unfazed by any of it.

"We'll get to my apartment faster, I need to get your hands bandaged and cleaned." Olivia said, worried even more about Amanda than she was before she'd found her. The woman who usually always had something to say was now communicating with nods. She turned on the heat and continued heading in the direction of her apartment.


End file.
